


But that's okay

by Kurookaii



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Akaashi kenma and lev only appear a little, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Bokuaka - Freeform, But they're only bros, Hurt No Comfort, I can't write either, I'm Sorry, IT'S GAY, Kinda?, Kuroo centered, Kuroo loves bokuto, Kuroo's alone, M/M, Tsukki is only mentioned - Freeform, Unrequited Love, Wrote this in the middle of the night, bokuroo - Freeform, i can't tag, mentioned kurotsukki, what is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-01 13:12:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13295595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurookaii/pseuds/Kurookaii
Summary: Bokuto is happy. Kuroo isn't. But that's okay, he tells himself. The love of his life is happy and that's everything he ever wanted.





	1. You found happiness, I didn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey!  
> I may not be an active writer but have some writing dump because why not,,,,
> 
> I wrote this in the middle of the night and am not a native english-speaker so please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes.
> 
> Now, Enjoy!

It was another week of the training camp as Kuroo opened the gym door, followed by his best friend. As always, he was greeted by a loud "Hey Hey hey, Kubroo!!", followed by a "Don't be so loud, Bokuto-san". The tall boy chuckled as he greeted the two boys in the blue shirts back and looked around the hall, looking for a certain grey-haired idiot.  
"Have you seen Lev? He has left to go here earlier." The other shook their heads. "Goddamnit, if he's trying to hide, he's gonna run 10 extra laps around the building. Kenma, you're helping me get his ass here. Now.", Kuroo grumbled as he looked to where the setter stood just a minute ago, he was gone too.  
An annoyed sigh escaped his mouth as he left to search for his teammates. Kenma was just a few feet away from the gym, leaning against a tree while playing the new game he had bought the last weekend; He didn't feel like spending time in the same room as Bokuto, was, what he stated as Kuroo pulled him along only to find Lev chasing after a cat once again.  
The captain was already in a bad mood so Lev and Kenma both ended up running 10 laps around the building; Kuroo checking on them of course. It was rare for him to actually pull through that, but he was tired of these two not listening to him. Or maybe he was tired of his dreams lately. He would never admit it, but for quite a while now, all the dreams he remembered had something to do with a certain friend of his, Bokuto. Another deep sigh. Bokuto. The only thing his thoughts were haunting him with right now. Bokuto. Bokuto. Bokuto. It was driving him crazy.  
The fact that he was homosexual was something he had already accepted long ago, but his massive crush on his best bro wasn't quite something he liked to admit, not even to himself. Or was it even a crush anymore? No. He was madly in love with a person he believed was straighter than a lamppost. And to his unfortune, this lamppost was suddenly standing next to him at the gym door. "Yo bro, wanna hang out tonight after training?", the sudden voice appeared which made the slightly younger boy flinch in surprise. Great. Now he wasn't only haunted in his thoughts but also im real life and for once, he wished this week would finally pass by so he could avoid all of this again.  
"Hang out? Tonight? The training camp's still going man, we're not alone", he simply responded as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Ehhh~?", the spiky-haired pouted and immediatly Kuroo regretted looking at him; Bokuto looked way too adorable when he was pouting, "does that matter? Can't we just...sleep in the gym or something? Please?"  
"No." "Whyyy?" Again, Kuroo sighed. 'Because I love you and I can't possibly spend a night alone with you and keep my sanity.' That's what he wanted to say, but he didn't. He remained silent and eventually Bokuto annoyed him with this idea long enough for the taller boy to give in. And he hated himself for that.  
  
The evening came quick, not a lot happened that day and so Kuroo was now sitting on a few layers of bedsheets in the gymhall, Bokuto next to him. It wasn't any different than usual, they'd make fun of literally everything and tease each other constantly for what felt like an eternity. By now it was in the middle of the night and both of them became more quiet; the black-haired stared out of the big window into the starry nightsky, enjoying the peace he was surrounded by. Once again he lost himself in his thoughts and once again they were about Bokuto. How could he even fall in love with his bro? Maybe it was because around him, he could let his guard down. After all, he was a high-schooler close to graduating, already taking college classes and on top of that he was the captain of an elite volleyballteam which wasn't always...cooperative. But none of this mattered when he was around Bokuto. Neither had he to be the studious student nor the smart leader, he could just let himself go and have fun. It served as a break from the daily stress and that was, what he really needed to keep calm. But as happy as it made him, it was also destroying him. Would his own feelings destroy this happiness, this peace, this safety? He always wanted to be by Bokuto's side, yet he wanted to stay as far away from him as possible. He didn't know what to do anymore. He just didn't want to lose Bokuto.  
"Tetsubro?", the all too familar voice echoed through the hall. Kuroo wasn't surprised the other boy was still awake, he hadn't heard any snorring after all, he was more surprised that he was just called by his first name. Not that that never happened, it was just unusal for Bokuto. "Hm?", he turned his head to his friend, the stars were softly shining on his face and Kuroo almost lost himself in those bright eyes before they suddenly looked away. "You know...there's this rumor going around...You've hooked up with that karasuno boy? ...Tsukishima?" Silence. Kuroo froze completly as memories flashed in front of his eyes. That one night Kuroo had realized he was in love. He had been so desperate, so frustrated, he somehow ended up with that first year from Karasuno and he was pretty sure it was one of his biggest mistakes. And to think others knew this - He really wanted to go back in time and undo those things right now.  
"So it's true?", Bokuto judged from the dread silence and the distressed look on Kuroo's face. "Bokuto I-", he paused for a moment, unsure of what to say. "I'm so sorry. I just- I wasn't quite myself that night and it just kinda...happened...I don't even know but can we forget that again, please?" He almost begged, probably being even more desperate than he had felt that night. "Woah woah, calm down bro! It's no big deal, I just wondered whether that's true or really just a rumor...Either way it's fine by me and don't worry, I'll keep it a secret!" Bokuto and keeping a secret? Kuroo felt like these things weren't going to go together one bit but for now he could just hope it was true.  
"So...are you gay?", Kuroo froze at the others words again. He hoped to get away from this subject as fast as possible but it only got worse. Or did it? If Bokuto was fine with his bro having sex with another guy, shouldn't he be fine if he said yes, too? At this rate it didn't matter anymore so he just broke the awkward silence with a yes.  
"Oh, that's...good. Because uhm...", finally he looked to Kuroo again, "M-Me too..."  
The taller boy's eyes widened as he started at his friend. Bokuto? Gay? This was by far the last thing he had expected to hear but his thoughts were immediatly cut off again by the others words: "And...I uhm...I'm in love with...", again a pause and Kuroo's heart started to pump like crazy. 5 minutes earlier he still believed he would never have a chance with Koutarou and now he was suddenly so full of hope; all he wanted was Bokuto saying that damn word with three letters which would probably make him the happiest person ever.  
But that didn't happen.  
"...I'm in love with...Akaashi..." And with this, a whole world broke down inside of Kuroo. A world, that used to be so unrealistic, yet so reachable for this short moment. He had set all his hope into this world only to have it be shattered again immediatly.  
  
\----------  
  
Around a week had passed since that night in the gym, the training camp was over again and Kuroo was sitting at home, forced over some stupid books for school. He was tired, endlessly tired. His dreams had turned into nightmares ever since Bokuto had told him he was in love with his best friend. The rest of the night was cloudy to him, he didn't really remember it all, maybe because he didn't want to. But he knew that he encouraged his friend to tell Akaashi.  
He cringed at the thought but it was no use, whatever way he'd go, Kuroo would support Bokuto even if it hurt him.  
The sound of his ringtone got him back into reality but the name on the screen didn't help him get distracted from his current misery. Bokutou Koutarou. Fantastic. With a deep sigh he picked up the phone, only to be greeted by an overly excited voice: "Hey hey hey!! Kuroo, Kuroo!! Guess what!!!" Bokuto usually was very cheeful but Kuroo swore he had never heard his friend this happy. He couldn't help but smile a little - the first real smile in at least a week. "What?" He asked interested but regretted it in an instant.  
"On your advice I've asked Akaashi out...and he said yes!!! Kuroo, Akaashi said yes!!! Can you believe that?! I can't! Oh my god, this is crazy, right? He really said yes!!"  
Kuroo somehow had a feeling this was coming, yet it hit him harder than he expected. If there had been a slightest bit of hope left in him, it was now gone.  
"That's..great! I'm so happy for you, bro!", Kuroo answered with a tone almost as excited as Bokuto. And still, he was smiling. Though this one was different. This smile was to pretend him from crying right then and there.  
"I know right?! Seriouly, thank you so much! Without your help this wouldn't have happened! ..Oh- I have to hang up again, sorry! I'll talk to you later!" And with that, the call was over.  
"..No problem..", Kuroo mumbled to himself, of course Bokuto couldn't hear him anymore. "Anything for you...to be happy."  
And finally, he allowed himself to cry. He broke down into tears and just..cried. He sat there on the chair, crumbled together as he cried tears when he believed he must have run out of them by now. And he was alone. He was so painfully alone. He had never dared to tell anyone about being in love with Bokuto or even, except for his owl-friend, about being gay. Not his parents, not his best friend. No one. And so no one was there to catch him when he fell into that deep, dark hole.  
From that day on, Kuroo Tetsurou would see the person he was crazy in love with be together with another guy.  
From that day on, he grew more distant to the person he was crazy in love with.  
From that day on, his 'Iron cheerfulness' was no longer more than just a facade he held up so no one would suspect a thing.  
It was too tiring. The nightmares, the schoolwork, the volleyballteam, his own thoughts. All of this was so very exhausting to him now. He didn't have the strength to keep all of this going anymore. He gave up. He was just too tired.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it through part one, yay!  
> Here, have a cookie.


	2. But that's okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto is happy. Kuroo isn't. But that's okay, he tells himself. The love of his life is happy and that's everything he ever wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote a part 2, woah! The thought of it crept in my mind for a while now and as expected, it turned out different than I expected it to but oh well-  
> Have fun reading it~!

Bright rays of sunlight were flooding the room which slowly woke Kuroo out of his rather restless sleep.  
An annoyed groan escaped his throat as Kuroo looked at his phone; 12:37pm, 5 missed calls and 11 unread messages from Kenma. He sighed, it was unusual for Kenma to call and text him that frequently and desperate but it was just as unusual for Kuroo to skip classes and practice for an entire week without saying anything so he guessed Kenma had the right to be concerned.

But he just couldn't. He couldn't go to school, couldn't go to practice. He couldn't look anyone in the eyes, especially not Kenma. Because Kenma would know, he was the only one who could know. Because Kenma always knew.  
It wasn't a surprise, after all they had been the closest friends for over 10 years now, of course they could read each other without saying word.

He opened the messages.

Monday, 5:48pm: ''You alright? Are you sick or why weren't you in school today?“

Tuesday, 4:30pm: Missed call from Kenma.

Tuesday, 4:32pm: ''Kuroo? Why don't you answer me?“

Wednesday, 7:24am: ''Kuroo please, answer your phone.“

Wednesday, 7:44am: Missed call from Kenma.

Wednesday, 7:47am: ''Open the door, please, I know you're at home“

Wednesday, 3:53pm: ''Kuroo, me and the others are starting to worry. Pick up the phone please.“

Thursday, 6:11pm: Missed call from Kenma.

Thursday, 6:14pm: ''I'm getting tired of this, answer your damn phone finally.“

Friday, 3:34pm: ''For god's sake, Tetsurou. Please.“

Friday, 5:06pm: ''No one knows where you are? Not even your parents? What the fuck happened???“

Friday, 5:20pm: Missed call from Kenma.

Friday, 11:34pm: ''Kuroo Tetsurou, answer your fucking phone. I'm worried sick, everyone is. No one has heard a single life sign from you in days, you could be dead. Just show some sign.''

Saturday, 9:46am: Missed call from Kenma.

Saturday, 11:23am: ''Kuroo please. Show me that you are okay.“

Sunday, 2:09am: ''Please be alive and safe. Please answer me.''

His stomach twisted as he read the texts over and over again. Kenma really was worried, and that was damn rare for him.  
And he was the reason for it. Kuroo couldn't help but feel quilty as he typed a reply.  
Sunday, 12:55pm: ''Hey, sorry for not answering...I got really sick and all...But I'm okay now! Sorry for worrying you.“

Of course he hadn't really been sick the way he described it but he couldn't just spill out the truth like that. He couldn't just say he had spent a week doing nothing but crying and drowning himself in self-pity. That wasn't him. That shouldn't be him. He had lost his usual self somewhere between his feelings for Bokuto and he wasn't sure how to get it back. He was a mess and he didn't need anyone to see that. Kuroo Tetsurou was always happy and he wasn't going to convince anyone otherwise. 

The buzzing phone in his hands yanked the raven-haired out of his thoughts, of course Kenma had replied immediatly, probably since he spent most time on either his phone or some console aynways. 

Sunday, 12:57pm: ''Thank fucking god! I'm gonna call you right now and you better pick up this time.“

And with that his phone started ringing, hesistantly he picked up. ''Kenma?“, he asked carefully, his voice dry and rough. Kenma rarely ever got angry or anything but his texts were enough for Kuroo to know just how mad his friend must be.

''Fucking finally!“, the smaller boy on the other side of the line breathed out, ''I actually thought you were dead or something!“

''Sorry to disappoint you but you're not getting rid of me that easily~.“, Kuroo tried his best to cope the misery of his own with a playful remark, causing the pudding head to grunt in annoyance.  
''You really are a pain in the ass, why did I even bother worrying about you? Stupid idiot.''

A chuckle on Kuroo's side. ''I know, I know. I love you too my dearest friend.“ 

''Whatever. Now then, am I seeing you in school tomorrow? I don't think I can stand Lev any second longer without you.“, the younger boy sounded a little desperate and the thought of Lev annoying the small setter to his guts lured a grin on the older's face.

''Yeah, I'll be back tomorrow.“

''Thanks, see you then.“

''See you~“ And so the call ended, causing Kuroo to sigh heavily. He really didn't feel like seeing anyone the next day but he also knew he couldn't hide forever so he pushed himself of his bed, aching bones carrying him over to the bathroom.  
He cringed as he looked into the mirror: His hair messy as always, his face pale, his lips chapped and his eyes worn out and swollen, dark circles surrounding them. He looked like a corpse and he didn't feel any better either. 

Another sigh as he stepped into the shower, hoping to feel more refreshed afterwards. It didn't help a lot though. He looked less inanimate but his overall expression still exposed the lack of sleep over the past days. Because really, his thoughts and nightmares were still haunting him, worse than ever. Yeah, he could only watch the love of his life step away further, eyes on another guy.  
Kuroo still wasn't angry. Not at Bokuto, not at Akaashi. He just couldn't be. Because Bokuto was happy. Even if he wasn't, that was okay.

Dragging himself back to his room, he let himself fall down onto his bed as he closed his eyes for a while. He felt exhausted and drained despite doing nothing. And he hated it. Because that wasn't Kuroo. Kuroo was always happy, always strong. He wasn't weak, he couldn't be. He couldn't be such a disappointment. 

He turned onto his side as he grabbed his phone and decided to check his social medias. Bad idea, absolutely terrible.  
He closed Facebook as Bokuto's new status of 'Now in a relationship' popped up, left twitter by the first excited exclaims about Bokuto's love and violently threw his phone across the room by the first Bokuaka couple picture on Instagram. Now he was mad. Terribly mad at himself for getting upset like this. He should be happy for them. They were his friends. He shouldn't feel bad about seeing them happy together. It was all he wanted, Bokuto being happy. Yet he wished it was him who could make Koutarou happy. He wished he was happy.

A chocked sob left his throat as he buried his face in his pillow and tried to stop the tears from streaming down his face. He shouldn't cry. He should be happy. He should be strong. He couldn't be weak. That wasn't him. That wouldn't be him, either. The next day, when he was in school, he would be himelf again. He would plaster the shit-eating-grin onto his face and speak with a playful voice. He would be happy. He would be strong. He would be himself.

But now that he was alone, he didn't have to be. He couldn't be. Because he was hurt, endlessly hurt. And lonely. Yeah, the loneliness that crept under his skin was probably the worst. Because when he was alone, he couldn't fight his demons. They'd overcome him, push him down to a point where he couldn't get up anymore. And he gave in to those demons. He had tried to fight them but he gave it up. He gave it all up. He gave himself up, eventually. 

When Kuroo Tetsurou was around others, he was like any other day; happy and strong.

When Kuroo Tetsurou was alone, he was nothing but an empty shell of who he used to be. A mess. The circles under his eyes grew darker, his face paler, his figure skinnier. He had completely given up on himself. He didn't care what happened to him. Because Bokuto Koutarou was happy and that was everything he ever wanted. There was no purpose to keep himself going, no goal to reach, no hope to follow. There was nothing. He was nothing.

But that was okay. Bokuto was happy. Even if Kuroo wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me and open endings? It's more likely than you think!  
> I'll leave whatever happens to our dear rooster-head to you, I've hurt my boy enough for now~  
> I hope you enjoyed it anyways & a comment and kudos would be great!
> 
> Have a good day/night~!


End file.
